If you have a loved one who is struggling with addiction, I am sorry. It is an extremely difficult road to walk through. I believe there are three key steps before coping with someone’s addiction: awareness, acceptance and action. These concepts are a part of the Al-anon program, which is a group created to help relatives and friends of alcoholics. In this article, I will also cover the key aspects of denial, enabling and boundaries. Before we get into those, I will start with the basics of addiction. The definition of addiction according to National Institute of Drug Abuse is a chronic, relapsing disorder characterized by compulsive drug seeking and use despite adverse consequences. If this sounds like a bit much to you, that’s because it is. It is a serious brain disease that no one ever chooses to have. What is a disease? A condition that impairs normal functioning and is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms. Does this sound like addiction to you? It sure does to me. Lessening the stigma around addiction is important to me. We can start that by simply changing the language and call it what it truly is—substance use disorder. Substances can be alcohol, medication, legal or illegal drugs, and nicotine. Over 27 million people in the United States have at least one SUD. About 20% of those with anxiety or depression also have a co-occurring SUD. These numbers are only the ones reported and diagnosed. It is my clinical impression that the actual numbers of individuals with SUD are much higher and continues to increase since the Covid pandemic in 2020.
Substance use disorders have become rampant in our communities, not only affecting our mental health and well-being, but also destroying families and relationships. If you believe a loved one is struggling, become open minded. Awareness is the identification of a dysfunction, which then leads to acceptance—that uncomfortable place where we realize there’s a problem that requires change. The opposite of acceptance is denial, which happens when we ignore or distort our reality as a defense mechanism. Many families sit in denial for years, because the idea of loving someone with an addiction is too much to handle, which is normal and okay. Once we gain the acceptance that someone has a substance use disorder, then we can move on to action. Action does not mean control, rescue or give ultimatums to the person struggling, it simply means connect with yourself, your higher power and seek help to then identify the next steps. Here are some helpful tools when dealing with what to do in the action stage: find an Al-anon meeting, call a therapist, lean on trusted loved ones for support, and ask yourself these questions: How can I help this person without impeding on their autonomy? How can I love and support this person without enabling them?
In the action stage, one of the key things to be aware of is enabling, when a person unintentionally contributes to someone’s destructive behaviors. Enabling can happen by permitting or justifying the person’s unhealthy or unsafe behaviors, covering up or lying to shield them from the consequences of their choices, assisting them financially, and/or avoiding your own needs to meet theirs (codependency). Enabling will foster dependence and learned helplessness. Supporting your loved one can be done by encouraging them to take responsibility and seek help. This is where boundaries come in. Boundary setting helps us define unacceptable behaviors from our loved us to protect us from harm and maintain our own lives. The two main types of boundaries in a relationship are: emotional and physical. Emotional boundaries protect our own emotions and can prevent codependency (depending on each other for emotional regulation or needs). Physical boundaries help us decide our comfort zone, this may include not wanting to be around the person if they are under the influence, or no longer assisting them financially. It is important to understand that boundaries are for yourself, to protect your sanity and safety. Create a health boundary plan that is clear, confident, comfortable and connecting.
Remember that a substance use disorder is a disease that we did not cause, we cannot control it, and we will not cure it. However, it is a treatable disease that millions of people have struggled with who are now living free and sober. There is hope. Feel free to reach out or visit itiswellness.com regarding our upcoming It is Wellness workshop "Tools for Families, Coping with Addiction"
Resources:
Alcoholic Anonymous
Al-Alanon
CODA- Codependents Anonymous
www.findsupport.gov
www.findtreatment.gov
Call or text 988 chat at 988lifeline.org
www.daodas.sc.gov
namias.org
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